Sales, Identity & the War Beneath the Yes

A few weeks ago, I sat in a hypnoselling class.

I’m half curious, half skeptical.

I thought it would be about tone, pacing, and subtle suggestions of sales (and it was).
But what I didn’t expect was how much it would reshape my understanding of values.

Value not just as a sales tool, but also as the core driver behind every decision a person makes, what they say yes to, what they reject, what they sabotage, and why.

The deeper we went, the more I saw:

Every buying decision is a negotiation between identity and safety. Between the person they are now and the version of them required to receive what they say they want.

That was the moment I realized:

• People don’t buy because they “want the result.”

• They buy because the offer confirms their value system, or at least doesn’t threaten it.

If it doesn’t?  It doesn’t matter how good your funnel is. You get nothing out of it.

So I went deeper.

Here’s everything I’ve now come to understand about value systems in sales, through neuroscience, behavioral psychology, and my own practice in the last two weeks:

What is a Value System?

A value system is a neural hierarchy of meaning formed through repeated emotional encoding.

It shapes how people:

• Perceive worth and trust

• Decide what feels safe or dangerous

• Evaluate offers without realizing they’re doing it

Values act like emotional algorithms, pre-loaded into the subconscious, ready to run.

The brain encodes value primarily through the limbic system, especially the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC). This area doesn’t respond to logic, it responds to emotional salience.

According to Glimcher (2011), subjective value is neurologically computed.
That means: What’s “valuable” isn’t a fact. It’s a felt state.

If your offer doesn’t match that felt state, it doesn’t matter how “logical” it is.

Why VALUES MATTER in sales?

Cognitive Dissonance DRIVES (or Blocks) Conversion

Festinger’s Cognitive Dissonance Theory (1957) tells us:

• People hate internal contradiction

• When beliefs and behavior don’t match, it creates discomfort

• That discomfort must be resolved, through rejection, rationalization, or reframing

In sales:

• If your offer confirms someone’s self-view → they feel safe, relieved, seen

• If it contradicts their identity or moral frame → they feel threatened

The anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), the brain’s error-detection system, flags this as a threat, which is why people ghost, deflect, or stall.

What I learned from here is that: A skilled seller doesn’t “overcome objections.” They resolve inner dissonance between who someone is and who they want to become.

How Value Systems Form?

Values are DECLARED & CONDITIONED.

A. Social Learning Theory (Bandura, 1977):
Children absorb values by observing caregivers, teachers, media figures. They don’t choose values. They inherit them through mirror neurons and cultural reinforcement.

B. Operant Conditioning:
Values are emotionally coded through:

• 🟢 Reward → praise, inclusion, success

• 🔴 Punishment → shame, exclusion, rejection

If a child gets praised for obedience but punished for assertiveness?

• “Peace” becomes a survival value

• Even if it requires suppressing truth

This bleeds into adult decisions.

• “Being nice” feels safer than “being honest” in client negotiations

• “Loyalty” outweighs the discomfort of leaving a misaligned mentor

These patterns get embedded in the amygdala and basal ganglia, the emotional memory centers of the brain. They form default reactions that feel like instinct.

C. Self-Perception Theory (Bem, 1972):
We infer our values based on what we’ve done.

• “I’ve stayed in this job for 10 years → I must value stability.”

• “I say yes to everything → I must value helpfulness.” 

• “I avoid hard conversations → I must value peace.”

The truth?

Until action aligns, most values are declarations, not decisions

This is why:
A client might say “I value growth,” but choose predictability until they shift how they act, they won’t say yes to something that disrupts their emotional safety.

The Hierarchy of Values

Why people CONTRADICT themselves

Spiral Dynamics (Beck & Cowan, 1996) builds on Graves’ theory.
Each value tier is a coping strategy for complexity, rooted in both evolution and environment. Here’s how value systems evolve across complexity and how to speak to the level where the buyer actually is…

The mistake?

• Pitching Turquoise-level unity to someone operating from Red-level ego

• Selling inner work to someone in survival mode

You don’t sell to the level someone wants to be, but to the level where their nervous system feels safe.

Behavioral Cues: Spotting Real Values (Even When They Lie)

People lie about their values all the time. They don’t do it out of malice, out of aspiration.

So how do you see the truth?

Watch these 3 things:

1. Time Usage → What they give attention to

2. Emotional Triggers → What feels like a violation

3. Financial Decisions → What they feel justified spending on

Examples:

• Buys every self-help book, but won’t invest in mentorship → values intellectual identity over embodied action

• Refuses discounts → might value fairness, or status, over savings

When purchases match identity-based values, the ventral striatum lights up.
The brain rewards congruence, not just logic.

You’re selling VALUE ALIGNMENT. 

People don’t buy information. They buy confirmation of who they believe they are, or want to be.

Behavioral economics proves it  → Identity-based decisions override logic.

That’s why:

• Someone joins a high-ticket mastermind not for curriculum, but because it feels like something a “real founder” would do

• Someone stays in therapy longer than needed because it affirms “I’m someone who heals”

Identity-confirming purchases release dopamine and oxytocin.

The Neuroscience of Value-Based Messaging

Values Live in the Default Mode Network (DMN)

The DMN activates during:

• Daydreaming

• Self-reflection

• Autobiographical memory

• Imagining a better life

If your message taps into this space, it becomes:

• Internalized

• Integrated

• Felt as personal truth

Neuroscience shows that persuasion is most effective when DMN is active, and logical “task networks” are quiet.

That’s why:

• “10x your revenue” doesn’t hit as hard as

• “Build the business your younger self never thought she was worthy of.”

One is a pitch. The other is an emotional mirror.

How do people make decisions (even when they DENY it)?

Decisions are Post-Rationalized

Haidt’s Social Intuitionist Model (2001) reveals:

• People make decisions intuitively (System 1)

• Then justify them logically (System 2)

That’s why:

• A woman feels resonance → then checks pricing

• A CEO feels trust in you → then rationalizes with “strategy”

If you don’t trigger emotional safety first, logic won’t land. Because they’re not listening from the head yet.

Common Mistakes in Value-Based Sales

• Believing what people say they value.
  → Most values are aspirational branding
  → Behavior reveals what’s real

• Assuming values are fixed.
  → Value systems shift during trauma, transitions, or grief
  → Safety, not urgency, is required

• Selling logic to someone in emotional dissonance.
  → When the nervous system is in conflict, persuasion feels like manipulation

A “no” might not mean “I don’t want this.” It might mean “I’m not ready to become the version of me that can have this.”

So What Do You Do As a Value-Literate Seller?

5 Practices for Mastery

1. Run Value Experiments → Observe what clients say vs do in low- and high-stakes moments

2. Mirror Their Language, Not Their Ego → Speak in their values, but don’t feed the false self

3. Use Narrative Reframing → Tell stories of others who chose higher values over comfort

4. Sell Through Identity Invitations → “This is what it looks like to become the version of you who…”

5. Use Ethical Disruption → “You say you want freedom, but you’re still choosing fear. What’s the cost of that?”

People don’t sabotage because they’re lazy. They sabotage because their nervous system can’t yet hold the version of themselves required to receive what they want.

That’s the real work of sales to mirror, expand, and evolve someone’s value system,  in a way that honors both their safety and their sovereignty.

P.S. I know I’ve been quiet for a while: life, depth, and a lot of internal rewiring. But I’m back, more grounded, clearer, and deeply committed to showing up with substance. You’ll be hearing from me more often. Anyway, what's new in your life?